When everything hurts!

June 26, 2009
When everything hurts!

By Teiwaz

Teeth ache
Heart ache
Knees hurt...
thinking hurts brain...try not to think...push thoughts out...push them where?
They come back in a millisecond so you fight these milliseconds of thoughts space peace...but it continues...im tired of pushing, sitting with it, CBT some say...aarrrgggg...
Im sad, lonley and everything hurts right here, right now...it gives you nothing but an ache...
an empty space that is filled, overflowing with emotion and empy of solice

* Posted on: Fri, Jun 26 2009 6:54 PM

By the way...

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The title to my Blog comes from a few sentances fro Greys Anatomy. I uesed to watch it a lot, then i saw a add re Issy haveing cancer so i thought i would watch it last Thurdays. So "truama always leaves a scar' is part a a sentance that was said at the end of the show. I wrote that down quickly and said 'thats the name of my blog". I hope i havent crossed any copyright 'stuff', its just those 5 little words that mean so much too many of us, dont they...
Teiwaz

When I was Concived...

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When i was conceived, as the story goes (need to check out with biological mother & father...if they will tell the truth).
Anyway i was told that i was conceived in the back of a Chevy March 1960. My teenage parents had a difficult time due to my mothers, mother(Grandma to me but I never knew her) she was not a nice women to my mother, she was cruel. She forced my parents to marry buy threatening my father with 'carnal knowledge'. Anyway Mother was 16 when she got pregnant with me, my father was 18...just.
My mother told me that she tryed to abort me with Gin, Quinine and a hot bath...it didn't work, I'm still here...
Ironic to me that I'm still alive. With all the experiences that I've had. Like in my teens and into early twenties, as a drug addict, I had some very close calls to death. Most of the overdoses were accidental and others where drug induced hatred of my self so took all that i could. I had some close calls. In November 22nd 2009 I was 47 still could die...i worked hard that day to make sure i did my best not to be found. There is quite a weird story underneath that, can't go there yet.
The Chevy...i love cars. Parents...only lived with my mother first 2 years and the odd few months as a child. I estimate 3years all together...were not close...we are not mother & daughter...strangers at times and a lot of issues to deal with...The womyn who brought me up was my fathers mother, my Babushka she was from Finland, Pop was a peasant from a town near Moscow...
See how many stories within stories that we all have if we break it down...Its amazing, interesting to connect to people who can relate...
Teiwaz

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A List
Some of us humans like lists, Here is a list of the last 11 months
The list is in no particular order, just as I recall it...

Lost List:
Lost job, pushed out by Junior worker, male, he got his wish when he said to my manager "I bet you $1000 she won't be in this job in 6 months. (someone is owed $1000)
Lost relationship (work stress played a big part) thanks for nothing.
Lost my battle with non smoking, now i smoke like a train more roll your own than ever before...
Lost friends, but gained some wonderful womyn (that's a +)
Lost my dignity, integrity, self worth, passion by accusation of being a "Bully".
Loss of passion nearly killed me.
I lost at killing myself, I'm still alive...barley sometimes... never won much, not that lucky...
Lost 2 moths of my life, a life that I didn't want... in a Private Clinic, that was a waste of time...drugged up, still on the drugs.
Lost my first home...that was hell (maybe i could point score the list as well you know 1-10!).
Lost family of 6 years...
Lost grandchildren...
Lost were i moved to...a place to go back too after hospital...maybe person who i shared with got scared...
Lost a place to be force to move back to where I was born...can't believe that I'm here...
Lost the will to get up & move somedays
Lost ME...who am I ? Im tired why do I have to keep searching?
Like I said lost at killing myself
Just want to leave the planet...I'd had enough of 48 years of living and working at being a better person...and then after all that... i haven't even began to tell you my story...this prick of a worker a "workplace psychopath" accuses me of being a bully and the hard work I gave for 4 and a half years without complaints...it nearly killed me...you have no idea how i feel...its undesirable, painful, all consuming...
Loss of trust
Loss of truths
Lost because some people walk around with blinders on cause its TOO FUCKING HARD to see, hear, know,act...
Teiwaz...

Wasted time!

Just spent half hour writing and it disappeared. Dam...im going to have beer...

It's cold and getting dark quickly. Sleeping and eating elude me...in bed with electric blanket & MacBook, coffee, Ipod shuffle blaring and to many cigarettes all in a church where no one can here me...something will kill me, eventually! Its very cold today fingerless gloves are a great invention and beanies.
I had a comment on my blog asking if i was asking for help. If that's the impression its not what I'm doing but I am interested in the comments readers have. What I'm doing is telling a story!
My story, in my way. I read that you need to be careful what you write and post as its open to the world to see. That's the whole point isn't it, for people to see. I not posting "office party photos" that are embarrassing, But I might write stuff you find difficult to read and if my words are taken out of context with the legal battle I'm in well at least i know I have spoken my truths.
Ive barley touched the surface of whats in my head to say. In fact what Ive said so far is tame. Wait till I start talking about Domestic Violence, Sexual Abuse, Drug Addiction and dealing with a lot of death. Wait till i write about how much blood Ive seen spilled, falling down in the gutter, and selling my sole to get by.
My next post will be a list i think, some pepolelike lists. Yeah maybe it will be a list compiled just from the last 12 mths...mmm cant wait

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No Bread

Hi readers! If you stumble across this Blog Site please leave a comment...I am interested in what people think, feel, know and if you want to share.
As a novice my grammar and spelling my be skew wiff, I left school at 13ish (but thats another story)... so its not a issue for me. (have read some blogging ediquite).
 What is important is to me and you as the reader is that Im being as honest as I can be...don't for get that this s is a journey that I am on and that you can follow if you wish.
By the way I didn't go get any bread...i finally fell asleep on the couch for a short while...these days can drag on like this. Dose'nt help I have about $20 to my name, hanging on to it to next monday week.
Im on sickness benift due to work related stress/trauma had the humiliation of being on the other side of the desk....(my job was working with disadvantaged young people) now Centrelink is putting me on a disability allowancwe. That means they have decided that I am not fit to work for 24mths +. Hell that stressess me, but i know I am a damaged person, its just that the recent trauma that has left me in this state, this should never had happened.
Rember in my early post I stated that at 48 i attempted the best I could to die.
Yes I still feel angry at being alive...peole say your ment to be here, “BUT WHAT FOR”?
Have  to tell my story again and again, this time to a lawery re Work Cover...Im frozen and unable to make the phone call because more remembering the truama opens scars into wounds...and I feel and I cry and I am alone and...and...and...Goddess it even pains me to write it, but thats what Im here for, Is’nt It?

Teiwaz

No sleep has come to me yet

Some how I have become glued to my lovley MacBook for hrs...looking at a great deal of networking sites and a few blogs. Sorting recipts fro Tax time (Grrr). No sleep has come yet...
Did you know when you are suffering with Depression it can take all day to get yourself to the shop to get a loaf of bread or make an important call...cant make a decision...need to get in the car as im in the country and the closesst shop is 28kms away.
I'ts not like im really depressed and crying or thinking about much...but the simplest task seems ever so difficult...TV is on mute, the fire has gone out and i feel frozen on the couch with papers and stuff all around me.
Experiencing trauma can lead you to depression, i'ts not just in the head, your whole body becomes numb and unable to process going to get some bread...I try not to look at the time cause i dont want to know time/day, eat or sleep, come or go...
How can scars imobalize? It's very efficent.

Teiwaz

Is it because I'm a Lesbian?

I'm not asleep...even with all the prescription drugs they are meant to keep me sain and not get into DEEP Depression. Do they work...keep me level mostly. Not high not low...but I've spent the last week feeling very low, feeling that it was unfair that i am still alive.
I'm in this horrible place due to a Junior worker, who had no respect for me. He put in a bulling complaint about me. What is ironic is that a day or two before I had to reprimanded him (with respect) for bulling my other worker in front of my eyes.
The accusation crippled me, I lost everything that I believed in. You see I had made a number of complaints regarding his work practice and when I approached my manager I was often told "he's young and shoots from the hips".
Not good enough, this never happened to me before...24 years of working with homeless young people. It killed my spirit, my faith in a system that was meant to support me. The effects were so demoralizing I attempted suicide...the Cops found me at the beach in a car. By the way I'm a Butch Lesbian...surly that has nothing to do with it...lol

It's 4:06am

Trauma Always Leaves A Scar

Do you wonder what life is all about? Why are we here? Are you brave enough to look at the Trauma in your life? Or are you a person that hides it all away, put up a brick wall, an iron curtain or live a lie.
Truth can be traumatic, painful and the grief from the truths and trauma hurt right down to our very sole...I feel like that, felt it all my life. Hid it away, tryed to cope...did it well for 48 years got very good at being ok in the world.
Until the straw that broke my back took me to such a deep sad place...suicide was the only answer. There was no one to reach out to who could or would understand...the loneliness in that place is indescribable.
Well I'm here to do find myself. Find out who I am, alone. Will I find what I'm looking for? I don't know! The scars are deep...some will never leave me...some I can forget and move...others will sneak up and bite me again.
Maybe you would like to join me on this journey...maybe you won't! There is one thing I get and that is the feeling of loneliness a very DEEP scar...